Tough Love

I sometimes struggle with the fact that I'm kind and nice. Nothing wrong with being it, but I find that makes it makes it so much easier for others to take advantage of me. At certain moments in my life I've been so concerned about everybody else that I ended up way down on my list of priorities in my daily life. Saving the world and every fucking soul in it was much more important than I was to myself. In the meantime there are lots of people who always and in some cases only think of themselves and put their interests first.
The good thing about me is that I know that I have a tougher side to myself. The side that sometimes can make me seem hard and emotionally cold. But, when it's mixed with my kindness and love for myself and others it's the primary reason why people love me and wish to be in my company. The side in me that refuses to compromise with who I am and never stays quiet when I have something significant to say. The picture of "tough love". And, as soon as I've lost track of that side of me the following happens: People start loosing interest in me. I stop expressing my opinion. I aim to please everyone I meet playing all sweet and being helpful beyond reason. And I become miserable.

When I talk about what kind of man I want in life I often say that I don't want a "knee dog". You know, one of those guys that almost sits in my lap and just gaces adoringly at me with every intention to please me until the day I die. Just imagine having to listen to the words "Yes, dear" for the rest of my fucking life. No thanks.
I'm amazed every time I meet I man who says that he wants to impress me. I just ask myself WHY the hell would you have to impress me. All I'm interested is who you are, what's your life is all about and if there's a sexual attraction one thing may lead to another. The funny is that I've probably most of my life tried to impress men, maybe not by telling them that I'm the best skier on the mountain or that I have a friend who won a couple millions on the horses this weekend. But, the female way by dressing up, putting on make-up, showing off tits, trying to say something funny and interesting, managing to drink alcohol in the same pace as the guy or whatever ridiculous thing I can think of to please this male with. Does it work? Do I get the men by this routine? Well, sometimes but not for very long. I may get laid but that's it. The desperation often shines thru of my eyes and body language like the sun thru broken blinds on a bloody hungover Sunday morning.
We want somebody to love us sometimes with such desperation that we completely forget to love ourselves. And, just end up breaking our back to find the love of your life which in my opinion is impossible to find if you yourself don't see what's there to love. I often find myself surrounded by guys who wants me when I'm just happy about myself, life, where I am and don't give a rat's ass about if the love of my life is in the room or not. When I don't think, but just am. When I'm kind but also towards myself. When I'm tough and out-spoken but also warm and loving. When I'm myself. When I'm just Mary.

Love.
Mary 

Peace

I feel life pushing me in the back.
like high-speed train that wants to push me forward towards my next destination.
I like the feeling.
eventhough I'm still holding back and remain standing still.
but the energy is there and once I'm ready to go.
I know it will be great.
but before I go I just want to find my peace.
I know that I'm probably the most peaceful when I'm on the move.
but I want to be able to be still.
and still have a smile on my face.
be able to still my restless soul.
stop that itch under my skin.
that just wants to make me run.
I'm getting more familiar with the peace and silence.
we are making friends.
it all about personal choice.
and it all starts with love.
and taking the time to figure things out.
without trying escape the things needed to be done.
and believe that everything is going to be all right.
whatever happens.
love

My way

I try to find my own way.
slowly, one step at a time.
I have my dreams.
I have fears.
and they come hand in hand.
but deep inside I know that only way I can go is my way.
everyone goes their own way.
in their own way.
it's easy to stare yourself blind at other people's lifes.
and try to live the life they live.
but deep inside I know that the only way I can go is my way.
the only life I can live is mine.
the only life I want to live is mine.

I can be the happiest you'd ever met.
but I can also be horribly weighed down by my inner darkness.
the big differences scares me sometimes.
and makes me doubt that I can do what I want to do.
both sides can be so convincing.
two sides of the same coin.
just as strong and argumentive.
one is positive.
the other is negative.
but I guess it's just human.
it's ok.
everything is all right.

Love
mary

Walk my own way...

I'm back in Sweden and slowly mentally landing from all the travelling.
Like most longer trips I've done before this one also changed me.
I've matured. I've changed my priorities.
Part of me is still confused and doesn't know who I am and what I want to do with my life.
And in a way it's true.
I don't have all the answers.
I don't know what's gonna happen next.
But that has to be ok.
I'm back in the one of the most conformed countries in the world.
I know that I want to be here.
But I must find my way of living it.
The sooner I can realise and accept that I can't live somebody else's life.
The sooner I can get on living the life of my dreams.
I look at job ads.
But I know that's not what I want to do.
I want to be free.
Be my own master.
Walk my own way.
Build my world.
Work on my strenghts and weaknesses.
Accept the way I am.
Stop trying to fit in.
Stop feeling alone.
Because I'm not.
Be happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad.
Accept life as it is.
A hell of a ride.

Love

Freedom

I just realised that I no longer have any secrets.
I don't have any shame left in my body.
Whatever happened happened and that's fine.
No biggie.
My stories are my stories.
They have been part of my trip through life.
But, I'm no longer emotionally attached to them.
They don't define who I am.
I don't define myself by my past.

I am my light in the dark.
I love myself above and beyond.
I am my caregiver.
I walk in the magic light.
I listen to the kind voice from within who recognises all parts of me as precious.
The dark and the light.
It doesn't matter.
Everything is easy as long as I don't force things upon myself.
Struggle to maintain some kind of image will never work, darling.
And I know it.
I don't compromise myself anymore.
And if you don't like what you see.
Then please, let me be.
Just let me be free.
Free to be me.

Love
Mary

Living Life

Love living my simple life.
Go with the flow and just see what happens.
No judgement.
Especially not from myself.
I'm done with trying to fit in some set frame.
I am everything I want to be.
Amen.

Love
Mary

Love

I love that I've reached a point in my life when I know what I want out of love.
I want love to be easy.
Easy, in the way that the attraction or feeling is undeniable. 
I love the times I've met men who really have seen me.
I see him.
He sees me.
We meet and there we are.
It's easy.
We can't deny it.
I want him.
He wants me.
Simple as that.
I don't expect relationships to be easy.
But, the love can't be a struggle from day one.
Sometimes though, we get so hungry for love that we can't see that this isn't easy enough.
We get spelled by this person or fooled by our deep wish to be loved that we simply can't see that this person doesn't see you.
We might even forget who we really are in the quest for this person's love.
We loose ourselves in the struggle.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I never want to loose myself again.
I love myself to much to put myself through that again.
But, I know that I have to be careful.
I love love.
And, I love having relationships.
And, I love loving people to bits.
I love being in love.
I love loving.
And, my heart lives in vagina.
And yes, love making is my favorite physical activitiy.
But, the thing is.
I know all this.
And as soon as first glimpses of love seem to difficult or complicated.
I'm just gonna let go.
And let it be.
Because if I have trouble to be seen.
It's probably not down to me.
I am who I am.
Or whoever I wish to be.
I can be a sunny day or a starry night.
But, that's down to me.
I'm not gonna pretend to be somebody else than I am.
I got all the love that I need.
The love is just out there.
Inside all of us.
It's easy.
And that's all there is to it.

Love

Mary