I sometimes struggle with the fact that I'm kind and nice. Nothing wrong with being it, but I find that makes it makes it so much easier for others to take advantage of me. At certain moments in my life I've been so concerned about everybody else that I ended up way down on my list of priorities in my daily life. Saving the world and every fucking soul in it was much more important than I was to myself. In the meantime there are lots of people who always and in some cases only think of themselves and put their interests first.
The good thing about me is that I know that I have a tougher side to myself. The side that sometimes can make me seem hard and emotionally cold. But, when it's mixed with my kindness and love for myself and others it's the primary reason why people love me and wish to be in my company. The side in me that refuses to compromise with who I am and never stays quiet when I have something significant to say. The picture of "tough love". And, as soon as I've lost track of that side of me the following happens: People start loosing interest in me. I stop expressing my opinion. I aim to please everyone I meet playing all sweet and being helpful beyond reason. And I become miserable.
When I talk about what kind of man I want in life I often say that I don't want a "knee dog". You know, one of those guys that almost sits in my lap and just gaces adoringly at me with every intention to please me until the day I die. Just imagine having to listen to the words "Yes, dear" for the rest of my fucking life. No thanks.
I'm amazed every time I meet I man who says that he wants to impress me. I just ask myself WHY the hell would you have to impress me. All I'm interested is who you are, what's your life is all about and if there's a sexual attraction one thing may lead to another. The funny is that I've probably most of my life tried to impress men, maybe not by telling them that I'm the best skier on the mountain or that I have a friend who won a couple millions on the horses this weekend. But, the female way by dressing up, putting on make-up, showing off tits, trying to say something funny and interesting, managing to drink alcohol in the same pace as the guy or whatever ridiculous thing I can think of to please this male with. Does it work? Do I get the men by this routine? Well, sometimes but not for very long. I may get laid but that's it. The desperation often shines thru of my eyes and body language like the sun thru broken blinds on a bloody hungover Sunday morning.
We want somebody to love us sometimes with such desperation that we completely forget to love ourselves. And, just end up breaking our back to find the love of your life which in my opinion is impossible to find if you yourself don't see what's there to love. I often find myself surrounded by guys who wants me when I'm just happy about myself, life, where I am and don't give a rat's ass about if the love of my life is in the room or not. When I don't think, but just am. When I'm kind but also towards myself. When I'm tough and out-spoken but also warm and loving. When I'm myself. When I'm just Mary.
Love.
Mary
